The Evil Atheist Conspiracy
2001-Early 2002 Activities Report

FROM: Vanetil P. Godsbane; Director, EAC Societal Subversion Department
TO: All Conspirators
RE: Update on EAC activities as of June 2002

Greetings, fellow conspirators!

First off, I'd like to begin by apologizing for the lateness of this report. I'm aware that they're supposed to be released at the beginning of each fiscal year, but I've been - how shall we say - somewhat occupied lately with personnel and job-security issues. As you all know, promotion in the ranks of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy comes by assassinating your predecessor, and what with the economic depression and the crunch in the job market we've been having lately, there's been no dearth of applicants for my position. But when I became the head of the Societal Subversion Department, I vowed on the warm, smoking corpse of my predecessor that I would continue his proud tradition of never-give-up, never-say-never, and never-show-mercy-to-your-defeated-enemy dedication. It's that kind of devotion, drive and ruthlessly efficient team spirit that's made the EAC the world leader in evil and nefariousness, and kept us ahead of all our competitors, be they the CEA, the ACE or the ECA. (Splitters!)

So, to sum up: I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere soon, and I'm going to keep working - get used to it! Seriously, get used to it; I intend to continue with the random beatings until this grumbling ends. And to #8067, who applied for my position just the other week: I'd say "let that be a lesson to you," but, well, you know. In accordance with EAC policy, his family will be sent a fruit basket.

Now then, let's get down to business. Again, I apologize for the lateness, and to keep this report topical I'll sum up our activities for this year up until now as well as last year's.

I am very pleased to report that 2001 and the first half of 2002 have seen the EAC succeed beyond our wildest dreams, shattering all revenue and growth expectations as we met or surpassed a wide variety of key goals. These last six quarters could very well have been the best we've ever had, and considering the EAC has existed since 6400 B.C. when it was a secret society with cells in Atlantis, Lemuria and Angkor Wat, that's really saying something.

That's it for now. Remember, fellow conspirators, keep on fighting the good fight! No matter how the forces of God and goodness oppose us, we will win this war - I know it. If your spirits ever flag, just think of some of our most famous operatives, the ones who did more than anyone else to destroy belief in God and lessen his power and influence in the world. I speak of course of Galileo Galilei (who almost singlehandedly established the 'heliocentric' hoax, nullifying centuries of Biblically-supported geocentrism), James Baker Simpson (who outwitted God's curse on Eve's descendants by giving anesthesia to women in labor, and stood up to the churches who condemned him for it), and Charles Darwin (need I ask?), among many others.

Thanks to courageous atheists like those, we've completely undone millennia of theist influence, turning the world into a place where children and mothers can expect to survive birth, where the average lifespan is greater than 30, where infectious diseases don't routinely ravage the population, and where we understand how the laws of nature work and have turned that knowledge to our advantage, creating technology to ensure our comfort and happiness. And of course, when people are happy, not constantly miserable and suffering, not forced to confront their own mortality on a daily basis, they forget all about God! Soon, faithful conspirators, our evil science will make this world a true paradise, where all are equal and happy, where ignorance and superstition are defeated, and where there is no pain, no suffering, and even no death. And when that happens, old-time religion will have been struck a fatal blow, and the world will be ours!


• Back up to The Evil Atheist Conspiracy: 2000 Activities Report

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