|EBON MUSINGS: THE ATHEISM PAGES||MEDITATIONS|
The Evil Atheist Conspiracy - a shadowy, diabolic organization of the godless that has infiltrated all the world's power structures and is gradually tightening its hold in preparation for the day when it will strike, conquer the planet itself and wipe out all things good, right and holy once and for all.
It doesn't exist.
That's the most important thing to keep in mind when discussing the Evil Atheist Conspiracy (or EAC as its members call it, that is, if it had any members, which it doesn't, since it doesn't really exist). In fact, you can disregard that first paragraph altogether. The EAC is a purely hypothetical idea, just a big joke invented by us crazy atheists to parody the way the fundamentalists often accuse us of acting. So relax! Resume your normal lives! There is no such organization and there certainly is no such conspiracy. You have nothing whatsoever to worry about. And if you've seen any mysterious black helicopters flying near your home - well, they don't exist either. And even if they did exist, which they don't, they wouldn't be in the least bit dangerous or harmful, and they certainly wouldn't be beaming evil mind-control rays into your home through your television screen and dental fillings. You don't need to worry on that regard.
Nevertheless, if such an organization did exist, which it definitely doesn't, what would its goals hypothetically be? Might we be able to get a glimpse of its nonexistent evil plans and its imaginary machinations by reading a notional piece of correspondence not lifted from the desk of a non-actual EAC member, if there were any such people?
Well, no, since the EAC doesn't exist. But if it did, and if someone at great risk managed to smuggle out one of its secret internal memos, it might look something like this...
FROM: Vanetil P. Godsbane; Director, EAC Societal Subversion Department
TO: All Conspirators
RE: Update on EAC activities as of January 2001
I am pleased to report that the 2000 fiscal year was our most successful yet. Not only has atheism taken tremendous strides all over the world, we are still in complete control of all media (including television, newspapers, radio and the Internet), all corporations, and all governments. Our latest fleet of mind-control satellites, employing the new high-frequency wave emitters that can penetrate tinfoil hats, is now in orbit and fully operational; our black-helicopter-riding paratrooper armies are ready to strike on command; and all our false puppet churches continue to make inroads in luring True Christians away from the flock. (If we have to go to Hell when we die just because we hate God and can't stand the thought of submitting to his judgment, then damn it, we're taking as many people with us as we can!) Our icy cold, multi-tentacled grip is rapidly tightening around the entire Earth, preparing for the time of the Rapture, when all True Christians will be whisked away into Heaven, leaving absolutely nothing between us and our goal of complete world domination!! Best of all, those God-believing theistic fools still don't have any idea that we control everything!!! Muahahahaha!!!!
In other news, I'd like to announce that Judy down in Marketing is expecting her baby within two weeks. I'm asking everyone to wish her well (but be careful not to pray - your official EAC Employees' Handbook is very clear on the penalty for that, as you all know). Remember, everyone, it's the little people like her that keep this whole organization running smoothly.
Now then, it is with pleasure that I bring you a summary of EAC activities throughout the past year. Be sure to congratulate our operatives in the field, who met or exceeded key goals in the following areas:
(Some of our newer members may be shocked to hear that the televangelists are all our agents. Don't be. Have you ever watched one of those broadcasts and seen the ridiculously opulent splendor their studios are set up in, even though they claim to follow a book that advocates poverty? Haven't you heard about the way they indulge their every vice with money cheated out of hard-working, honest believers? You don't really think True Christians could be such hypocrites, do you? It takes atheists to reach such depths of depravity!)
Also, guys, I admire your initiative in going back to Jesus' time and posing as the "Pharisees" in an attempt to stifle him. I really do. But when you couldn't shut him up, why'd you have to go the extra mile and get him crucified?? Please read the Old Testament prophecies more carefully before you do something like that again!
Well, that about wraps up my report for this month. In closing, I'd like to extend my own special congratulations to our operatives in the so-called "ACLU," who have managed yet again to fight off the efforts to merge church and state. Way to go, guys! If left to their own devices, the fundamentalist Christians would establish a theocracy where the breaking of Biblical laws was punishable by death, and where would we be then?
Oh, yes - and for those of you who asked, the airlifting of our headquarters from Redmond to Babylon is almost complete. Soon the EAC Department of Mad Scientists will have the subcutaneous identification/tracking/commerce chips ready, bringing our top-secret Project Phoenix into its final stages.
Until next time, fellow conspirators, keep up the good work, and remember: Coranon silaria, ozoo mahoke.
Remember, the Evil Atheist Conspiracy doesn't exist. However, if they did, I might be able to pass some feedback along to them.
DISCLAIMER: You did not read the above, and this page does not exist. In the time it has taken you to read this, your computer is now fully under our control and your location has been triangulated. Black helicopters will be arriving at your house shortly.
The Evil Atheist Conspiracy: 2001-Early 2002 Activities Report: The evil cabal bent on destroying all that is good and holy and killing God once and for all continues its machinations. Find out what they've been up to lately from this secret memo, but be aware that mind-control rays are liable to erase your memory as soon as you finish reading it.