The Evil Atheist Conspiracy - a shadowy, diabolic organization of the godless that has infiltrated all the world's power structures and is gradually tightening its hold in preparation for the day when it will strike, conquer the planet itself and wipe out all things good, right and holy once and for all.

It doesn't exist.

That's the most important thing to keep in mind when discussing the Evil Atheist Conspiracy (or EAC as its members call it, that is, if it had any members, which it doesn't, since it doesn't really exist). In fact, you can disregard that first paragraph altogether. The EAC is a purely hypothetical idea, just a big joke invented by us crazy atheists to parody the way the fundamentalists often accuse us of acting. So relax! Resume your normal lives! There is no such organization and there certainly is no such conspiracy. You have nothing whatsoever to worry about. And if you've seen any mysterious black helicopters flying near your home - well, they don't exist either. And even if they did exist, which they don't, they wouldn't be in the least bit dangerous or harmful, and they certainly wouldn't be beaming evil mind-control rays into your home through your television screen and dental fillings. You don't need to worry on that regard.

Nevertheless, if such an organization did exist, which it definitely doesn't, what would its goals hypothetically be? Might we be able to get a glimpse of its nonexistent evil plans and its imaginary machinations by reading a notional piece of correspondence not lifted from the desk of a non-actual EAC member, if there were any such people?

Well, no, since the EAC doesn't exist. But if it did, and if someone at great risk managed to smuggle out one of its secret internal memos, it might look something like this...

FROM: Vanetil P. Godsbane; Director, EAC Societal Subversion Department
TO: All Conspirators
RE: Update on EAC activities as of January 2001

Fellow atheists,

I am pleased to report that the 2000 fiscal year was our most successful yet. Not only has atheism taken tremendous strides all over the world, we are still in complete control of all media (including television, newspapers, radio and the Internet), all corporations, and all governments. Our latest fleet of mind-control satellites, employing the new high-frequency wave emitters that can penetrate tinfoil hats, is now in orbit and fully operational; our black-helicopter-riding paratrooper armies are ready to strike on command; and all our false puppet churches continue to make inroads in luring True Christians away from the flock. (If we have to go to Hell when we die just because we hate God and can't stand the thought of submitting to his judgment, then damn it, we're taking as many people with us as we can!) Our icy cold, multi-tentacled grip is rapidly tightening around the entire Earth, preparing for the time of the Rapture, when all True Christians will be whisked away into Heaven, leaving absolutely nothing between us and our goal of complete world domination!! Best of all, those God-believing theistic fools still don't have any idea that we control everything!!! Muahahahaha!!!!

In other news, I'd like to announce that Judy down in Marketing is expecting her baby within two weeks. I'm asking everyone to wish her well (but be careful not to pray - your official EAC Employees' Handbook is very clear on the penalty for that, as you all know). Remember, everyone, it's the little people like her that keep this whole organization running smoothly.

Now then, it is with pleasure that I bring you a summary of EAC activities throughout the past year. Be sure to congratulate our operatives in the field, who met or exceeded key goals in the following areas:

1. The EAC Department of Televangelism had a banner year, raking in millions of dollars' worth of donations from gullible believers and thus safely diverting it from being wasted on food for the hungry, cures for disease and other nauseatingly good causes. The cash they bring in, which makes up a large percentage of the EAC's operating budget, was used to launch three new mind-control satellites and complete work on the holy-symbol-seeking cruise missiles, as well as pay the salaries of our hardworking torturers counselors in the EAC Department of Forcible Indoctrination, who managed to "deconvert" several thousand fundamentalists in the last three months alone. And that's just with the donations from widows and orphans alone! Keep up the great work, guys!

   (Some of our newer members may be shocked to hear that the televangelists are all our agents. Don't be. Have you ever watched one of those broadcasts and seen the ridiculously opulent splendor their studios are set up in, even though they claim to follow a book that advocates poverty? Haven't you heard about the way they indulge their every vice with money cheated out of hard-working, honest believers? You don't really think True Christians could be such hypocrites, do you? It takes atheists to reach such depths of depravity!)

2. The EAC Department of Time Travel, Temporal Restructuring Division, put in a lot of overtime with our new time machines to reshape history as our dastardly wills see fit. High praise goes out to all of them for all the work they did in the years following Noah's Flood to clean up the geological evidence, scrub the high-water marks off the pyramids and sort all the fossils back into their "proper" order. Thanks to you guys, the Department of Evolutionism is looking to experience some smashing successes in debates. Those creationists won't be able to stand against all our overwhelming "evidence" anymore! (On a regrettable side note: I'm not naming names, but one of you stepped on a trilobite during the Cambrian and left a footprint behind. You know who you are, and I hope you'll properly regret your mistake after the EAC Department of Forcible Indoctrination gets through with you.)

   Also, guys, I admire your initiative in going back to Jesus' time and posing as the "Pharisees" in an attempt to stifle him. I really do. But when you couldn't shut him up, why'd you have to go the extra mile and get him crucified?? Please read the Old Testament prophecies more carefully before you do something like that again!

3. The EAC Department of False Puppet Churches, Jehovah's Witness Division, had a solid year, as always. By going door-to-door at the most inconvenient hours and annoying people by bombarding them with unwanted preaching, they helped to foster that festering dislike of religion so vital to our plans. And the pamphlets they give out? You might think they could sway people towards Christianity, but embedded in the text are hypnotic brainwashing patterns from the EAC Department of Mind Control!! Muahahahaha!!!

4. The EAC Department of Bible Revision has done some great work, almost seamlessly inserting new passages containing all-new atrocities, contradictions and absurdities into the latest edition of Scripture. (Of course, the fact that we control all the world's printing presses might have something to do with that, huh? ) Particular works of note include Jesus' irrational and bizarre cursing of the fig tree, some terrific new erotic poetry in Song of Solomon, and an entirely new chapter in Genesis that contains a creation story in a totally different order from the original! Keep up the good work, guys, and soon we may be able to drive the last few True Christians toward atheism. After all, as I know you're fond of saying down there, how could a book so riddled with errors and inconsistencies possibly be from God?

5. The EAC Department of Vote-Rigging turned in a stellar performance during the 2000 American presidential election. As you all know, installing George W. Bush in the office is our most devious plan yet! While he seems in every respect to be a True Christian, in reality he's doing exactly as we command him to do. Our crafty "faith-based initiatives" plan will soon be in full swing, giving taxpayer money to churches to subsidize their preaching and other religious activities. Make no mistake, after a few egregious violations are discovered, strict laws and auditing procedures will be enacted to ensure no more money is misspent, thereby entangling church and state in an inextricable mess. Soon, churches will be overwhelmed with paperwork and bureaucracy and subsumed into the government entirely! And as we all know, when church merges with state, the citizenry rapidly loses interest in it. Just look at the results of the similar plan we've already carried out in Sweden, where attendance in the state-sponsored church is plummeting through the floor. Soon America, one of the few last bastions of fundamentalism in the world, will be ours!

6. And last but not least, I'd like to toot my own department's horn a bit. The EAC Societal Subversion Department has done some amazing work in the American Bible Belt, managing to drive divorce rates there over 50% above the national average! I have to admit it wasn't easy, since True Christians are ordinarily almost invulnerable to the moral decay we've managed to insert into every other sector of society. Left to their own devices, they never beat their spouses, commit adultery or abandon their children. However, our operatives, posing as preachers, cunningly persuaded young people to fear and despise their own sexuality and jump into marriages they weren't ready for without any support or counseling, thereby ensuring our success. Unfortunately, theists in the community have noticed these results, if not realized the cause, and are calling for more church and more preaching to reverse it. Our actions will be scaled up accordingly to combat this worrisome trend.

Well, that about wraps up my report for this month. In closing, I'd like to extend my own special congratulations to our operatives in the so-called "ACLU," who have managed yet again to fight off the efforts to merge church and state. Way to go, guys! If left to their own devices, the fundamentalist Christians would establish a theocracy where the breaking of Biblical laws was punishable by death, and where would we be then?

Oh, yes - and for those of you who asked, the airlifting of our headquarters from Redmond to Babylon is almost complete. Soon the EAC Department of Mad Scientists will have the subcutaneous identification/tracking/commerce chips ready, bringing our top-secret Project Phoenix into its final stages.

Until next time, fellow conspirators, keep up the good work, and remember: Coranon silaria, ozoo mahoke.

-V.

Subsidiary Articles
• The Evil Atheist Conspiracy: 2001-Early 2002 Activities Report: The evil cabal bent on destroying all that is good and holy and killing God once and for all continues its machinations. Find out what they've been up to lately from this secret memo, but be aware that mind-control rays are liable to erase your memory as soon as you finish reading it.