When it comes to atheism, I'm pretty new. I officially declared myself deconverted in June of 2004 so it's been a little over a year now. However, despite my relative newness with this whole thing, I feel very confident in my beliefs and I've never been happier.

My family is United Methodist so that's how I was raised. I grew up without a doubt in my mind that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit all existed as one being and three beings at the same time and that evolution was as wrong as wrong could be. There were only two things that bothered me. One was the fact that I hated praying. I never felt like I was doing anything except talking to myself. People always talked about how they heard the voice of God and I couldn't understand why I never could. The other was the idea of the Rapture happening any moment now. I was always taught that God could return at any moment and that I had to be ready at all times. This caused an enormous amount of stress since I never felt that I was "saved enough". I had been saved but I never felt like it stuck and, for this reason, I got saved three more times in the next few years. The fear never went away, though. I thought that God would return before I got a chance to go to college, get married, get a job, and have kids. Why would he create me, then call me back before I got to do what he created me to do? However, these two things didn't bother me enough to be a constant problem and I easily regained my faith. In fact, I was so confident in my beliefs that when I was in 10th grade I brought a book about creationism entitled It's a Young World After All into my biology class and gave it to my teacher. I told her that she'd find it interesting and to just give it back when she was done. A few days later when she returned it I asked what she thought of it and she said, "I have my beliefs and you have yours." I took that as a snotty "You're right and I won't admit it" type of remark and counted it as a victory for Christ. I basically went through high school ignoring anything I was taught that contradicted Christianity, passing the classes but forgetting the information afterwards. Looking back on my first 17 years, the only thing I can remember that gnawed at me was the fact that most of my friends were decidedly less religious than I was and they somehow seemed happier. I couldn't do things they could because God said no. Of course, the one that got to me the most was sex. I was torn between two sides of my mind, the one that said "God says to wait till marriage. Who are you to disobey God?" and the one that said "Come on...you know you wanna get laid." No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't understand what the problem with premarital sex was if you took all the proper precautions. However, I managed to put this aside and forgot about it. I graduated from high school and soon went on to college still firm in my beliefs.

My first semester in college went by the same as high school had and I never had a problem with the fact that a lot of my friends were atheists, agnostics, wiccans, and other types of non-Christians. That changed in the middle of my second semester. I was in the campus cafeteria having lunch with my friend Sean and we were discussing the idea that all morals come from God and that non-believers have no good reason to be moral. Looking back on it, I can't believe that I would ever believe that all non-believers were evil but I did. Yes, it was mostly a subconscious belief but it was there nonetheless. As Sean and I debated I quickly discovered that, despite my 17 years of devotion to Christ, I had absolutely no ability to defend my beliefs. So, after lunch I ran back to my dorm and immediately got on the net and started searching for apologetics sites. I was amazed. All this proof of God's existence and I had never heard most of it! After reading different sites for a couple hours I thought, "Wait. If I'm gonna use these arguments in debates I need to know the other side. I need to know how to take it down." So, I started reading sites about evolution, abiogenesis, the big bang, and all that good stuff. That was where it all turned around for me.

As I continued to read I compared the atheist side to the Christian side and found, to my horror, that the Christian side was wrong. How could that be? These people had God living within them. He guided their every move and yet they couldn't defend him. I remember the very moment I realized that, for 17 years, I had been wrong. I was sitting on the bed in my dorm, my jaw hanging open, slumped against the wall in utter disbelief. I can't describe the feeling of complete shock I felt at that moment. Now, at the time I was talking to my cousin over instant messenger whom I knew was an atheist and I told him that I was questioning my beliefs. He said "Just do what I did. Become an atheist." and I replied that I couldn't. I didn't want to risk it. What if God really did exist and he sent me to hell for not believing? As a result, for the next few months I tried desperately to hang on to my faith and prayed fervently for God to help me through this tough time. However, because of all the research I had done I was now looking at Christianity in a whole new light. I realized that the reason I had always felt like I was talking to myself when I prayed was because I really was. I understood that the reason I could never hear God's voice was because he had never actually spoken to me. One morning in June, I woke up and my first thought was literally, "I don't believe anymore". Surprisingly, I felt really good. In fact, I felt great. I was free. I was finally free to do my own thing without worrying about God judging me. However, this new found freedom came with a few problems.

I had met a girl named Katie in my second semester of college and we were dating. I was madly in love with her and of course I didn't want the relationship to end but she was Catholic. She was pretty liberal in her beliefs but she was also very devout and I had no idea how she would take the news of my deconversion. I agonized for at least a month over a way to tell her without things going wrong but, before I could do it, she asked me. We were talking and the topic of blind faith being no reason to believe came up and she asked what I believed. After a tense moment I said "Well...I don't" and explained why I was an atheist. After I finished she paused for a second and then said "Ok. It's not like it'll change things." I was very surprised since I didn't think she'd accept it that easily. I have to say, I'm extremely lucky that she did since I've heard many stories about relationships being destroyed because of religious differences. Now that that was over with, the only people left to tell were my parents and my brother.

I was even more nervous about telling my family than I was about telling Katie. I waited till October to tell them and, just like with Katie, when I did it wasn't on purpose. I was in church that morning at a youth group meeting and we were discussing the recent presidential elections and I mentioned that I had voted for Kerry. Several people in the group jumped me. They called me an idiot for voting for "that moron" and asked how I could do something so stupid. I was so mad about it that I figured I couldn't hold my beliefs in any longer and that afternoon I told my family. They took it very well but, unfortunately, they treated it like a phase that I would soon grow out of. They told me that they wanted me to keep going to church because God wasn't done with me yet. Of course, I didn't want to keep going but I did anyway just to keep the peace. I managed to keep it up for a year but it finally got to me and I asked to stop going. Fortunately, my parents seemed to understand and they said it was ok.

All in all, I think deconverting was the best decision I've ever made. I'm more confident in myself than I've ever been before and my atheism has helped to finally pull me out of my shell. I feel freer than I ever have and I can finally do the things I want without fear or guilt. However, with this new freedom comes an enormous sense of responsibility. As a Christian I was certain that Jesus would return at any moment and that there was no sense in making the best of what we have right now. What's the point of bettering the world if it's just gonna end soon? When I left religion behind I realized that it was now my responsibility to make sure the world becomes a better place because it probably isn't going to end anytime soon. I know it sounds mushy and cliché, but that's how it is and that's how I think everyone should be. After all, this life is all we have.